For better, for worse, but sand it down first...

My daughter and I were assembling a contraption above her bed, with no specific purpose in

mind except decoration. You know, one of those ideas that appear in your head as if in a

magazine, completed and having turned out beautifully, being gazed at breathlessly by

admiring friends and family. One of those ideas that invariably turn out nothing like that

picture you imagined, due to a failure to actually think it through.


Obviously we'd waited until spouse was on a business trip. Years of experience has led him

to either forbid these schemes, (often before the first sentence has left my lips), or at

least demand that every potential step be discussed fully in advance. "Detail" I shrug,

waving his concerns away with my hand, "don't bog me down with detail".

This time, it was going better than I'd dared hope. We were almost holding our breath,

unable to believe that what we'd thought would work might actually work. Then daughter

looked at me...


Daughter: "Why are you hesitating?

Me: "Well, I want to put this screw in about here, next to this power point, and I'm

worried there might be a live wire behind it."

Daughter: "That's okay. I don't really use that power point anyway."

Me: "No- the point is that if I touch it with a metal screw, it might blow me across the

room or kill me instantly."

Daughter: "Ah."

There was a few minutes silence.

Daughter: "What do you think we should do?"

Me: "I think I might just go for it."

Daughter: "Yeah. I'm sure it'll be alright."


I wondered afterwards what made me throw caution to the wind with this particular risk. I

don't consider myself a risk taker, particularly. I always wear a seat belt. I usually wear

a cycle helmet (except, perversely, when I am cycling to the pub and have just done my hair.

Yes, I am aware that I am much more likely to fall off when cycling home from the pub than

when working out on my bike but, as I mentioned, I've just done my hair). I make the kids

wear sun tops at the pool and the beach. I am scared of gambling. Oh, and I have a bizarre,

superstitious ritual about getting into bed which can never be disrupted, and would keep a

therapist busy for months.

This brought me back to an old theory of mine which is that everyone has married, or should

marry, their "decorating opposite". It's a simple theory which, I believe, highlights the

fundamental personality differences essential for compatibility. These differences are

apparent from the moment the decorating idea is decided upon. Spouse recommends researching

colours, washing down the walls with expensive potions, trying several different shades of

the exact same colour and, unbelievably, waiting until daylight. I want to pick one, drive

to the shop now to buy it and see how much we can get done before morning. Spouse is

happiest sanding things down before using the potions, and then using primer and all sorts

of fuss. My idea of preparation is to spit on my sleeve and rub it on the bit I'm about to

paint.

We had a nasty moment in our marriage whilst decorating the stairs in our house in England,

when spouse decided the balustrades (the fiddly spindles that support the bannister)

required two coats of white gloss. I'm not really a two-coat kind of person, but was

willing to concede on this point, until it became clear that he expected me to sand them

down between coats. I was open-mouthed. You can't be serious? Why would I sand down paint,

on twiddly bits, that I had just applied, spend more time wiping it clean again and why

didn't I know this about him before the wedding?


A liquid wipe-on, wipe-off sander came to rescue us from our standoff, but the whole

episode has left me much more wary of sharing my plans. Flush from my success, I have an

idea forming in my head for something very big and very high for daughter's window. I have

also seen something else in a magazine to hang things on in the boys' room, which I'm sure

I could copy without reading the instructions. Then, our bedroom is to be adorned with a

useful jewelry display system that will have to be kept strictly secret until completed.


What? No, I'm sure it'll be alright.